kurterossbach

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written and I guess with good reason. I'm back in school!!! Bout time too. Things are better than the last time I wrote, although not without trouble.
Currently, Kasey is experiencing a pretty high amount of SAD, which of course makes me really sad. It's hard to tell sometimes what he's thinking, if it's about me or some other nagging thing in his brain. I love him dearly, but sometimes he can be way over the top. Our relationship is good though, we do talk about stuff that's going on, but I have to say, something is missing right now. I hope it's just that he's going through this rough patch and not something deeper (is that selfish of me?)
In three years or so (whenever I finally finish my degree) we are supposed to move to Iowa so that he can go to Palmer Institute to finish his degree in Chiropracting. I am thrilled knowing that when we come out of this we will never be without, but during has been kind of hard on us. He gets angry at me, or more at testy when things don't go just right. Sometimes I want to talk about these feelings I'm having, but I get scared of losing him and clam up, probably pushing it deeper into me. Don't get me wrong, for all intents and purposes, our relationship is wonderful.
Perhaps it's my solitude that's been bugging me. I don't get out enough at all. When we want to get together with someone we just ask them over...that's it. It's been nice, being able to have people over in our own house (without unspeakable terrors living with us) but I'm missing interactions with others...I know this will sound weak, but I need friends...I need to connect with someone other than Kasey for a moment, not sexually of course, but I need that connection so that I won't lose the one I have

I'm making this sound so terrible, like it's all or nothing, it's really not that bad.

I got this note from Barb today. Before she gave it to me, she told me to keep an open mind. I tried, I really did...but all I hear, I've unfortunately heard before. Part of me lately has been through with Manna..just plain burnt out by all of it. Barb puts alot of stress on Marc and I...has new stuff for us to do daily. She says she feels like the front of house manager sometimes, but in all reality she does it to herself...she tells me she can't trust that things will be done...Well, mayb e it's time for her to take the reigns and let me go...Maybe I'm ready to call it quits. I love Barb...she has a great business, but she expects so much from me...I feared this when I took the job...Basically, I have as of yet a chance to heal myself from what happened almost 2 years ago in NO and now I'm in a place of authority and I'm not sure I have the strength in me to keep it up. Especially when notes like that one came at me. She tells me not to be upset by it...I think something happened in my mind when I got sick a couple of weeks back...This feeling like I was expected to be there even when I was dizzy and reeling from fever...I think it upset me so much that whatever it was that kept everything glued together tumbled and fell into my ocean.
There are things I like about the job...Some of the staff are beautiful people, the salary and health insurance...none of which cannot be found elsewhere....
I guess the bottom line here, is that here I am, almost 32 and still feel as though my life hasn't gone anywhere. I find myself dreaming of those days I was in Delgado under wonderful Robin Cole...Possibly the only other time in my life aside from Kasey that I felt my life was important. This job at Manna gives me nothing. I'm being too dire here...I have gotten alot out of Manna...philosophical morsels from a multitude of different people...but I feel muted all the time...I've been juggled. I should be PAINTING!!!!!!!!! I should be selling my work in my own personal gallery not slinging coffee (which IS my job in a nut shell.)
I think sometimes Barb can see this.
I keep thinking Mondays will be different

Well, Kasey and I are finally moved in and well on our way to making this new place feel homey. it seemed like the day after we moved our stuff in we felt at home here. I've never seen Kasey happier. We're finally, after almost 2 years in Madison, feeling like we can catch up on many things that have been given the back-burner due to the house of Emmit, and oh how it did fall, that house.

So, today's the day, well the middle of several final days here at 1005 E Johnson. This house has been relatively good to us, save for the constant roommate problems...and in many ways I'll miss living here. But, the new place, although small, will be Kasey and I's apartment and nobody elses. It's already feeling like home....and I think with a few touches will be perfect for kasey and i. I have to say as well, that the last couple of days with Angie have been nice...we've had several talks and came to the conclusion that she'll pay me back when she can, but that her kids come first. She did offer a most amazing thoughtful "gift" of the computer's books and such to finalize our deal. It made me feel better that she did this..no contracts needed...just a friendly gesture to repay her debts to me. Kudos.
On the other hand, i had it out with Zach the other night. See, a few days ago he left this note hanging on the front door, or should I say, glued, thus titled, "To whom ever shit on the toilet seat:" it when on to threaten everyone in the house about if he contracted Hep-A he would hold all of us responsible for the rest of our lives and sue us for medical costs...he ended the note with four words: "You have 24 hours" Now, as Kasey put it, that could have a multitude of meanings, but the first on anyones list is "to live" So, needless to say, it upset Kasey to no end, which in turn really upset myself...Angie just stood by and laughed (I don't blame her, it's rediculous). I confronted him about it with a note of my own. It said, "Zach-I'm very concerned about the possible roach problem coming from your room. I'm also concerned about getting worms from your cats because you never clean their litter. I think I may need to get a lawyer. You have 24 hours." I wrote it that way beacuse I wanted to show him what a note like that could do to someone. I wanted him to take a long look at how he affects people with such things...and boy did it ever work. It really pissed him off. We had this yelling war where some horrible things were said to me, such as "you're a horrible, mean person that doesn't care about anyone but himself and the person he's fucking" Floored. But, I don't feel like I need to justify myself to a nineteen year old. Hell, I'm 31 and have been through alot worse times then he's seen so far, and most of that stuff was out of my own control...moron. Anyway, I kicked him out shortly after, but he says, I've payed through the 23rd so I'm leaving my cats here until then...Those poor cats...hardly fed, nearly rabid and crazy because they don't get what they need from their owner, yet he professes how much he loves them, which I suppose is probably truem but at least he could show it a little more. Anyway, he's 19, naive, and needs to grow up ALOT. I pity his next roommates. Enough ranting, I've got to keep packing or else we'll never be out of here...Cheers.

So it looks like we have an out. Kasey and I talked and we've both agreed that our sanity now has a price. I'm about to make a deal with Mike to let us out of this place. Of course we'll be paying through the nose in the interum, but it's well woth it. We can get back to our lives and be done with all the heartache and the worry. It's worth it in the end that I can go to work and not be bothered by wahtever crap is going on in this house...it's worth it that I can come home after a hard days work to my honey in our own home...it's worth it that for once after Hurricane Katrina there's a chance at life...that there are ways to be happy....that without all of this foggy empathic voodoo that's being sent our way from said source I will be able to create again...Our own space....just the thought of it makes my heart sing...It's doable...it's within our reach...we can make this happen because we have each other...and it's beautiful.
I'm already seeing our things there...already seeing the dinners we'll cook for each other knowing that our produce is still intact and the bread we left the night before is still ready to be toasted...the oj ready to tbe drank. And the possiblities for Grizzy!!! Endless I tell you...roaming from room to room and befriending a cute beagle to boot. She'll be so happy....we can probably get her to walk in the backyard as well without all of the distractions here..and not other cats to vie for rule. Like a weight off my shoulders this is...I suddenly feel like myself....for once.

I feel as though this will never end...like we're stuck in some vortex spinning out of control. Everything I've tried has failed. Every word I have said to Mike has been like water on a duck's back. He never really hears me...all he really wants is his money, which I don't blame him seeing as that he owns the joint. Rick bullied us into rerenting this place when Kasey and I knew that it was a bad idea...When Rick knew it was a bad idea...all Rick wanted was to be rid of the place, and what a fucking selling point to have the entire house rented at the time of sale. Doomed. Doomed from the beginning. Angie has never been on time with anything and she's just as bad as Mike when you're trying to talk with her.
I have one more plan though. A bargain to strike with Mike to let us out of our lease. One chip is of course my $1575 deposit I have made on this house which I will forfeit, even though supposedly I wouldn't get it back anyway what with Angie's arrears. Stupid. My other chip would be that we would pay a smaller portion of the rent until he rents the rooms out again. We can't afford to pay the whole thing but we could pay something for a little while..

It feels like my most recent visit to my new therapist has lost it's affect on me...at first it was so wonderful, the prospect of another visit on Thursday is great, but right now I feel like total shit. This whole mess is finally taking a physical toll on me...my normally brutal immune system has seemed to shut down for a while. Sickly, I went into work today after leaving early yesterday, knowing that today was going to suck big time, I went anyway. So, through a busy lunch and much unpacking of assorted boxes I had spent most of what little energy I had retained, and was spent. During this spent time, still at work, Hope (Soup Diva) came to ask me why Zach was "lollygagging" around the joint and "why wasn't he helping her in the kitchen???!!!" Dammit. This was the last thing I really needed. but I tried to handle it anyway...i pulled him aside and told him that he should help out in the kitchen if they asked him to...now, mind you, I've never really had a problem with Zach's performance before, it just seemed out of character, I felt it was just a passing notion, and besides I have to appease everyone as a manager, and meet everyone's needs. Needless to say here, he took it REALLY personally saying that I sid he wasn't doing his job right, and that no one respects him...WHOA, where did that come from I wonder? He had me yelling at him because he kept raising his voice when I was trying to make a point, he wouldn't let me be calm about it. Where is Kurt's respect? I've been on a 50+ hour week last week including two VERY needy catering jobs back to back not including my normal everyday routine as a manager...scheduling, placing orders, dealing with ornery customers, etc....Overworked, sick, tired, depressed, sore, sniffly, stifled, anxious, paranoid, scared, scarred, blah blah blah...He doesn't see any of that. i do.

Today...today was life changing...my appointment with Dr. Gurman was truly relevating (if that's a word) He sort of put things into perspective for me...told me I needed to be more assertive on every avenue of my life. He said that he didn't think my problems were deep...but that they were wide...it makes so much more sense when you put it that way...I'm stretched to thin, I mean no wonder I don't feel like painting. Anyway, I have another appointment with him next week and I want to change some things...and today was one of them. My work day was different somehow...I was in early and got alot accomplished. Later in the afternoon, Emily invited me to a cookie trade off party. I jumped at the chance to be social. Gotta find a great cookie recipe before next week though, but still. I feel better about mt situation..yeah things really need to change at home, but it doesn't mean that the rest of my life has to take a back seat to all of the bullshit. I spoke with Angie when I got home from work today. I asked her to talk with me, and I promised not to yell this time, or use my "angry voice." I basically told her that I couldn't live with her anymore...I wanted to save what little was left of our friendship...I mean I really do care about them...it's not like I want them out on the street or anything..it's just that I can't see living another 8 months full of anger and resentment...it's going to kill me , or at least drive me insane, if I keep feeling that same emotion over and over again. She was very receptive to what I had to say...and amazingly, sounded sincere. See that's been the thing this entire time, the reason I've given her so many chances, that somewhere deep inside of her, there's a desire for change, a desire to do well for herself, for her kids. She know's what she has to do, it's just her trying to muster up the strength to deal with it. i want her to succeed, but I feel I've done my part in directing her onto the right path, for truly that is why we meet whom we meet...all directions, ways of getting to some final beatitude to some god or heaven, nirvana or samsala...we move each other along...we walk alongside each other helping to bear the load...we show each other alternate routes to get around obstacles...we are functional humanity

So tomorrow's the day. my first appointment with a therapist since I was in the ninth grade...so what is that, like 16 years or something. I remember that time...I can't say there was any other reason than I was depressed and riddled with anxiety at the time...The problems still seem the same just older now I suppose. Had another "discusion" with Angie this evening ending in me raising my voice to her of course. I try and stay calm, but it's hard when I come home from a hard day's work and find she's been lounging about all day...Supposedly her grandfather died today..it's terrible that I can't even believe what she says now. To me everything that comes from her lips is a lie, an abatement of the inevitable...Trying to put me off until later...But, somehow, I just can't feel sorry for her...I feel terrible for that, but it's the truth. I told her I wanted her to find another place to live...soon. i worry about Kasey and I's vacation..not if we'll be able to afford it, but more that waht will happen while we're gone...we've already seen what can happen..(Brad) Whom by the way is playing shark by telling me that if Angie moves out he wants to stay...he likes the "homey feel"...but whatever..I don't get any of it, Everything I say to her is like going in one ear nd out the other....She doesn't get it...the darkness she's in...the pit in which she keeps herself...the hole in which she's burying herself in...All I know is that I'm done with it...I'm to the point now where I need her to leave...it's no longer a debate...it's a necessity. She's going to ruin us if she stays here.

Yesterday, after talking it over with Kasey and just plainly, having enough of the most recent occurances here at Emmit, I called Mike myself knowing that Angie wouldn't do it herself. We spoke for a good while about how Angie has been the past several months, how both of us feel used and abused. How we worry about what happens to the children if the final beatitude occurs, being eviction. It's hard for me. There was a point where I really enjoyed the children's company...when we used to do stuff together and they'd respect me and mine. But since the beginning, Angie has declined in her role as mother, especially since the entrance of Brad. I guess his influence on her is larger then we originally would have thought. She has become lathargic and downright useless. She sits in her room all day and all night either sleping off the pstchoactives she's taken for her "problem" or watching hours and hours of television she never pays for. When her children gently knock at her doorstep she blurts out a "What?!!" like they're interrupting something important. For the most part the children are left alone most of the day to their own devices...she has them cook their own dinner, direct themselves to do homework or study for school...Bottom line there is no discipline at all. She has never stuck with a schedule, or punishments for them...They don't seem to even have a mother half the time...Of course when there is an affront to her mothering skills she lashes out...for example, trying to poison Kasey about me. She has no respect for anything and she's teaching this to her kids. And they see it...I see the look on their faces...the disappointment, the sadness. I feel so sorry for them. But, unfortunately, Kasey, Mike and myself can't deal with it anymore...the lies, the empty promises, promises she gives up just to get you to stop but never intends to follow through with. I'm worried that she's going to eventually bring us down with her...take more money from me, leave me with nothing...again. I must get out of this storm. The only way for this to happen is for her nd hers to leave here. I see that now, I wish I would've seen it months ago. I think I did but chose to look away for the benefit of the doubt. I told her last night that she had better start looking for new housing, because I don't think Mike will be lenient this time...I hope he isn't. I think Angie needs a swift kick in the butt...A snap into reality.

For the past several nights I have been having the strangest nightmares/dreams...all of them about work...God, I hate dreaming about work because it makes me feel like I've been there for the entire night, like I've already worked for the day but then I wake up and have to go again...it's really nerve racking...Wish I could change the way I dream...I do have that Dreamworking book...it's been ages since I opened it, but it might have more information for me now than it did back in the day. Worth a try anyway :)

So I cleaned the entire house this weekend...I was looking for some peace of mind and 4 hours later it found me. it looks great in here, but for how long...It never really lasts. Kasey and I delved into reflexology last night...basically just an amazing foot rub, but it's supposed to help other areas of your body as well I figure in the same way yoga would do for you. Work today...after what seemed to be such a long weekend...I hope all is well, I'm sure I'll have a supremely busy day.

The vision is there, but the drive is not-I have the passion--the dreaming-the longing to create...but as soon as I get to the canvas-it's gone as quickly as it came--Boy Interupted--that's how I feel. Where is this part I left behind-Where is my true self? Why all this anger, resentment, pride (or lack there of) Where is that boy-that part of me that would never give up--that's happy--What brought me here? To this place of forgotten truths--this dark alley in which I stroll--Here I am waxing poetically about my problems--But there is a hint of me still burning within/a flicker of my former self--I'll never truly see him again...that is the harsh truth--it is time and trial that define the soul from one phase to the next--frog leaping from each plateau. It seems this to be a lower mesa from which I pray. I remember being so high on that rock..My spirits soaring with anticipation of what I might become--When dreams embraced me--when time stood still--when all the cares in the world seem to drift from me like foamy seas or some archaic ebb and flow of the tide...

So I went to see my doctor for the first time yesterday and got a referral to see a therapist, which I just made my appt for. I'm a little worried only because they might try and medicate me. But I guess if it will make me feel better....Honestly I know what would make me feel better...living without the drama given to me by said roommates. Truthfully all of this is driving me cray and I feel I should talk with my doctor about that as well. The one thing I am truly thankful for here is to finally have health insurance to be able to do these things for myself...perfect timing too...All of issues are sort of coming to a head. It will also be the first time I'll really be able to talk about things from the hurricane...or get whatever it is out of me that's hindering my work...perhaps its ADD god I hope not.

I just blew up at Angie...exploded fiery words at her...lashed out in a way I have never lashed. I can't do this anymore...this back and forth shit...being the middle man, constantly paying for other peoples mistakes. We don't have the kind of money to pay her rent, her bills her whatevers, and yet we are forced to every month. Mike called again..that's how all of this got started..he tells me he hasn't received a dime from Angie when I was told it was happening last week..lying straight to my face!!And then proceeded to lie to me some more...Argh...I'm so fed up with the lot of them. To boot, Mike tells me he had to use my deposit, MY deposit, to pay his mortgage...of course he says that I'll get it back as long as #1 the place is in good condition and #2 if Angie pays back all the money he owes her. I don't like the sound of any of this...to me right now she should leave..pack her fucking bags and leave...I've never been one for hatred, I've never needed to hate someone, but this chick I'm getting to the point of hating just because what she represents. I yelled, I got angry, I was fed up annoyed and unamused. And there's nothing that can really be done about any of this..we're stuck unless we give up our good reference and bail on this place...and even then we may still be liable for the rest of the lease. Where sis my mental health day go?? This was supposed to be my day, my glorious mental health day where I did nothing but things that made me happy...All it took was one phone call to ruin my day...And it's like she doesn't even cre..she says things like "we'll be glad when all of this is over, believe me" but it's like she has no right to even say that. I've never met such a conniving grubby bitch. Wow, that may be a little harsh, but there is truth in it.

Today, I have taken off for myself...mental awareness, health (doctor's appt), art and happiness. I have no idea how this day is going to go. In part, being woken up early by a more than likely nasty phone call and coming to the harsh reality that the children are free from school today, i'm already doubting this day. But, well, I still needed this day...for me. Last night Kasey and I went to "make groceries" as us southerners say, and while doing so we had this lengthy conversation about the Angie situation. Albeit, it's the truth...she lies, she cheats, she uses and more than likely we're going to be fucked in the end...but I'm trying desperately to keep an even keel. Kasey can get so upset at this stuff..and really, I can't say I blame him. He's right, we're out a whole lot of money from helping this chick...money that we could've been using elsewhere, but we don't have it anymore and the likelihood of us getting it back is very grim...So I guess I've just resigned myself to push it back, get it out of my head for a while. Most of the time it doesn't work though, because I'm constantly reminded of the crap she has put us through. I'm sick of her, Brad and the kids taking up room in my brain...this is supposed to be healing time for me.